twins « Knee Deep in Kids

Odd Couple with Vaginas

It’s weird having twins. They’re so different. It’s like my wife pooped out the Odd Couple, with vaginas. Or little baby versions of Jekyll & Hyde (only without the evil and murder – so far).

Jules is the shit talker. Yeah, i know she isn’t really saying any real words yet, but [...]

Choking Hazards and Alien Attacks

We had our final babycare class last night, where i learned that everything in my house could (and probably would) kill my twins. Then i beat on a rubber baby.

A fun 80′s video highlighted all the dangers in my house, such as hard surfaces, smothering blankets, radon, electric shock, fire, and alien invasions. If my kids [...]

Communicating through snatch gravy

I finally felt my babies kicking!

I can’t help but wonder if their punching and kicking mean something. I mean, if i was trapped somewhere, unable to escape, i would start tapping at the walls trying to find help.

Could it be a built in baby instinct? You know, how they know how to find a nipple, [...]

Pee and Nanobots

I am sometimes astounded at all the weird little changes that happen when you have kids. And they happen so slowly, our lives have changed and we didn’t even notice.

For example, all of our normal pens seem to have disappeared. Mysteriously. So this morning, we started out signing our 30 page-deep mortgage refinance papers with a [...]

My baby girls will not kill anyone

I will soon be drowning in estrogen.

We had another sonogram. Jellybean is definitely a girl. Turtle isn’t a definite, it’s uncooperative, but Turtle also looks like a girl.

I’m the only dude in the house! I’ve been surrounded by girls for years! My wife has like 14 sisters. And many of them have lived in the house [...]

That episode of the X-Files about the Easy Bake Oven

We saw our babies dancing! It was like Soul Train down there in my lady’s loins. It was a very special two hour episode as the doc performed the anatomy sonogram.

We waited until our 19th week – or at least what we feel was our 19th week. There’s contention as to the conception date (conception contention, [...]

The Devil’s Math

If Mama Bear’s cervix starts to dilate, i swear i’m going to staple her cooterus shut.

See, here’s the deal. My wife is a Cancer. Cancers are emotional, motherly, sensitive, protective and moody. They’re kind of like that creepy bag lady in the end of Labyrinth, the one with all that crap on her back. She had [...]

Zombieface Beastmaster

So we saw our doctor today for our monthly check-up, which will soon turn into bi-weekly checkups. Wait, does that mean twice a week, or once every two weeks? I’m unsure. We waited a good 45 minutes to see the doctor. Luckily, i just bagged myself an iPod touch, which has an external speaker. This means [...]