We had our second childbirth class. Our second gross, disgusting childbirth class.
After leading us in prayer again, no doubt to protect our souls from the vile material we were about to witness, our short statured instructor stuck an unassuming videotape into her VCR.
Here there were no warnings about baby bumpers, or steady breathing, or even amusing 80′s clothes. Here was pain and agony.
The lights in the room were turned off, and we were introduced to screaming. A young girl, in a hospital, with horrific sounds escaping her mouth with such force as if the screams themselves were afraid of what was going on inside her body. Through rippling lines of videotape static, we could see the sweat on her brow and the torture in her eyes. Had the instructor put in that video from The Ring? Was Leatherface about to burst through the hospital door and make her into meatloaf? My eyes narrowed and my heartbeat raced. It looked like something was ripping her apart from the inside.
She had friends and family there in the room trying to calm her. You could see it in their hearts that they knew it was a futile attempt. They looked at each other with an understanding and a sadness. This girl had the devil inside her.
Without warning, they showed her cooterus. What once was a thing of beauty or lust now had become a playground of agony. It rippled and bulged. The doctor leaned closed and peered in. He barked a few futile commands. The girl’s screams were deafening. ’Push,’ he yelled. ’You can do it. I can see something inside.’ What was it? What insidious demon was inflicting this hell to her body? ’Push!’ he commanded. ’Be gone from this woman!’
It was trying to escape. It was pushing through, like Freddy Kruger’s face through the wall – you remember that scene. The opening wasn’t big enough, so this doctor pulled out a pair of scissors and cut this poor girl’s taint. Cut it open! No warning! No remorse! Behind his mask i was sure i would find a slight grin.
And then her vagina tranformed into a maw of atrocities. A hairy, bloody ball of flesh pushed its way through, like a monster being born through a pinhole portal of gore. It emerged quickly, flailing its limbs, like the angry tentacles of a miniature Cthulu, trying to break free of the doctor’s grasp. It let forth a piercing cry of warning, that it should be set free, or consequences would be had. All were in tears, and in silent reverence for the trauma that had just taken place. ”It’s a boy.”
So there it is, any other soon-to-be dads. That’s what childbirth looks like. There’s no magic. There’s no wonder. There are no unicorns or rainbows flying out of that twat come delivery day. There’s not a single goddamn stork. It’s like watching the chest bursting scene from Alien, or like seeing your wife’s meatlocker taking an enormous crap. It’s traumatic, and devastating. To think this is how we enter the world.
Our delivery date is fast approaching. I fear for the gruesome entrance my baby girls will make into my life. I fear for the foul gateway that my wife’s body will become.
And i fear that i’m gonna weep like a baby.
I’m with the unicorn on this one.
OH please Apok. You will probably go in with your fake blood and costume make up to create the site even more bloody and grotesque. That movie was probably like watching the disney channel for you.
I said this on Joeprah’s post over at Dad-Blogs, but it bears repeating. You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen your wife push and push and push so hard that she inverts her own asshole. Yup, an inside out balloon knot. It was like those monkeys with the bright red asses who look like things are inside out. I tell you one thing, I haven’t bugged her or joked about ass sex since then!
But all taint cutting and inside out assholes aside, I can tell you this: you won’t even notice that shit when it comes time. Well, ok…you’ll still notice it. But you won’t care about it because you’ll be too focused on your kids…
But then it all comes back to you months later when you try to have sex for the first time postpartum. Something that was once the object of your desire is transformed into the mangled, bloody nest from whence your beloved spawn emerged.
Stay strong Apok. Stay strong.
That’s gross, DF. You should’ve left her there and never looked back.
Apok would make sure that I heard more ass jokes and I would probably be amused too. It’s that strange sense of humor where we can pretty much make a joke out of anything.
After that image, I hope they cut a bitch open!!
LOL…I LOVE it….oh wife of apok, make yourself known…step forward please…
Hmmmm…Wife of Apok seems funny and cool. I once had a wife with a sense of humor and the ability to joke about anything, no matter how off limits it is to the rest of society. Unfortunately I think those traits shot out of her somewhere between the baby and the placenta. But don’t you suffer the same fate. Stay gold pony girl…stay gold.
Can I make my request that Apok attempts to sling a few one-liners during the delivery? No woman is that cool.
Oh that’s the only reason i’m going to be at the birth, is to make inappropriate jokes.
Thanks for the vivid reminder. Just what my day was missing.
LOL, you’re too much. But yeah…that about sums the experience up LOL.
Oh come on! Stop exaggerating. And besides, you just have to look at it, you don’t have to FEEL IT! Wife of Apok has got to be one in a million!
That is a fairly accurate description. Childbirth ain’t pretty, but it is wondrous and you will cry like a baby. If for no other reason that your wife’s loveshack will be closed for repairs.
Well Then! I guess it has all been said now Apok! If anybody ever asks, I will just forward them here to get the real scoop. I gotta tell you, everytime somebody talks about the epesiotomy I cringe. -Jason