We had our final babycare class last night, where i learned that everything in my house could (and probably would) kill my twins. Then i beat on a rubber baby.
A fun 80′s video highlighted all the dangers in my house, such as hard surfaces, smothering blankets, radon, electric shock, fire, and alien invasions. If my kids live to be 3 days, i’ll be lucky. 
If they’re not falling out of windows or pulling boiling water on top of themselves, they’ll be stabbing each other or having poison swallowing contests. All because i hadn’t put a Mr. Yuk sticker on every single bottle in my house. Mr. Yuk, you bastard! Maybe i can pay him to live at my house for a while. He can follow my kids around all day with his enormous green head, making sure they don’t swallow anything. In exchange, i’ll buy him a big hat so he’s not so ugly anymore. Set him up on a date with a friend of mine maybe, like the sticker chick with the googly eyes.
Did you know you can’t feed your kids popcorn, or raisins, or peanut butter? Jesus, that’s all i’ve been stocking up on! And anything i can feed them, i’m supposed to cut into a very specific shape, mash that up, then stick it in the blender, put a funnel in their mouths, and using an air gun, shoot the food down their gullet straight into their stomachs. And all those pen caps and nickels i have keeping the bottom of my couch company? They’re going to choke on each and every one of them. I signed up for being a dad, but nowhere did i agree to clean under my couch! Where was the fine print on that when i was knocking boots with my wife 8 months ago? Shouldn’t you ladies tell us this? ”Yeah, give it to me good, by the way you’ve got to lift that couch up and vacuum!” I feel like i need to sell my house and raise my kids in that plastic white prison they held Magneto in at the end of the first X-Men movie. Then maybe Patrick Stewart would come visit us too! He’d be in his wheelchair trying to play chess and all, but i’d be like “say engage!” the whole time.
Since my babies will be choking to death daily, they taught us how to beat on their backs, and how to administer CPR. They passed around this unfortunate looking rubber baby, and i had to hold it, head down, and slam down between its shoulderblades like it owed me money. Then i had to flip it over and poke it in the nipple area, like i was really trying to make a point. Stupid baby didn’t get it.
I opted not to make out with the baby, during the CPR session, since i’m sure i’ll be so freaked out if it ever happened, it would play out like in that Police Academy movie where Hightower crushes the dude’s chest and Jones comes over to make EKG dying sounds.
Ready or not though, we have a c-section scheduled in exactly 6 weeks. The clock is ticking, and my babies will be here very soon to choke on things.
Man Oh Man, we share the same phobias…ours is almost 3 and I still think about what she could choke on…even chewy, gummy vitamins scare me…damn, why cant they eat mushy crap til they are 18
Happy Fathers Day!
wait til they get older then u have to worry bout more serious things like their first love and first heartbreak. it sucks when our kids get hurt emotionally & physically. btw i have 3 and none of them ever ate pen caps.
Apok, I can’t even imagine you doing the cpr practice on the rubber baby…Not without cracking up…anyway…
Your babies will be supernatural anyway..and probably take care of you instead.
Mine eats pen caps, and anything else he can get his grubby little hands on… And he drinks the stuff that Mr. Yuk would protect him from too. I watch him like a hawk but he still manages to get a hold of this crap… The first one was never this much trouble!
Oh, and don’t count on the outlet covers to work. He pulls them out and then outs them in his mouth too…
Just the other day I was babysitting my sisters kids when my nephew asked me a question. I turned, answered him and turned back to look at the one year old. In those 5 seconds she had managed to find one half of one of those plastic Easter eggs from god knows where and had shoved it in her mouth pointy side in, which are VERY hard to pull back out BTW and was well on her way to making me look like an idiot by dieing.
So yeah, kids really are death magnets. Good luck and don’t take it too personally the first time they almost kill themselves, otherwise you are going to be a wreck by the time they turn 5.
I love 80s flicks – can’t wait to see it!
Thank God, Thank God, Thank God those days are over! Talk about overprotective mom locking cabinets, buying heavy duty electrical outlet blockers, baby gates, and the mushiest baby food on the market. I kept my eye on them every waking moment. I’ve forgotten whole years because all I did was focus on the girls. I don’t know when I loosened up. Still, the girls managed to scare the beejeebees out of me now and then. No wonder I have high blood pressure. Of course it stays high because they are teens. Talk about the fun years.
BTW, you must be a trip in your babycare classes!
i think you should drop them off at walmart without pants on and give a pencap to the one who makes it home first