Breastmilk.
My wife’s boobs have become engorged with it. These days she seems to be either sleeping, or hooked up to a cow-milking device, harvesting the endless gallons of boobmilk that’s coming our way. It’s like we’re playing Monopoly, and she keeps landing on Waterworks.
She’s all leaky, too. It looks like some punk kid keeps shooting her shirt with a water gun. Sometimes we wake up floating in milk. I often fall asleep in an inflatable raft just in case. You never know when i’ll need to drop anchor in the late night and paddle over to give her more bottles to fill.
There’s bodily fluids everywhere. Breastmilk, babyspit, pee – it’s like a bad CSI episode. I hope none of our houseguests ever bring luminol and a black light. Embarrassing!
We’re also coping with sleep loss. We often sleep from midnight till noon, waking every 3 hours for an hour and a half to feed and change. I do most of the late night feedings while the wife continues the constant pumping – no wait, expressing – of her milk. I wake up to baby murmurs, feed, change, pass out, wake up, feed, change, pass out… it’s like Groundhog Day, only without Bill Murray and a lot more irritating. I was at the grocery store the other day. I nearly passed out at the deli counter, the dude was trying to hand me honey baked turkey for god knows how long. Minutes later, swerving like a drunk, i plowed my cart right into a Slippery When Wet sign and knocked it clear over. My brain just isn’t functioning right. Today i was trying to say ‘snapping your fingers’ but completely forgot what it was called.
I would totally kill a man right now for a solid 8 hours of sleep.
But i know, you all just want to hear about the babies. Not even 3 weeks old and they’re already overshadowing me. Bitches.
Cordy just reached 6 pounds, which is awesome. Jules hasn’t been picking up weight as fast as they want, but she is still gaining steadily. She’s probably about 5 pounds now. Jules has claimed the title of the fussy one. I say this, but honestly they are both incredibly good babies. They are calm and quiet and incredibly sweet.
We’ve taken them many places without incident now – Target, Babies R Us, my work, her work, Moe’s. They’re quiet, and sit there in our awesome dual stroller looking cute for passersby to compliment them. So many people are all like, oh no, i can’t believe you take the babies out so much! What if they get sick? We’ve got that covered. They get immunity from breastmilk, and i regularly cough and sneeze on them to build up their tolerance for bacteria and stuff. I’m trying to grow super strong babies, like Ivan Drago from Rocky IV. Then when they’re in grade school, they can steal kids’ lunch money. I get a 25% cut! Take that, failing economy!
*groan* I totally remember those days. Don’t worry – they don’t last TOO long (though if you count by how long it feels, you’re in trouble). Especially the milk thing. That will get better soon. Until then, sleeping in a lifejacket prolly isn’t a bad idea…perhaps you could contain your wife’s ‘puppies’ in fishbowls overnight?
Hi
I would also contemplate killing a man for a nights sleep (my youngest is a slow to take to sleeping six month year old!). We should talk offline!
We are bottle feeders, and I have been unaware of the wonders of breast feeding. Sounds interesting – and I would experiment with the fish bowl method mooted above!
Ah, I remember, (we all do) those days…not so fondly. But hell, sounds like you and yours are gittin er done
Trust in me when I say, PLENTY of fun times ahead!!
Kudos!
Who needs sleep, you have beautiful babies
I’m happy to hear they are doing well.
Don’t cry over spilled Milk?
I love that term “expressed”…I had the lactation consultant correct me in our meetings by reminding me it was ‘expressing’ not ‘pump’…so, I had to ask her why they didn’t call it a breast expression machine…that shut her up…it’s my $40 co pay to see you, just be quiet and help my wife.
Good for you guys for taking them out. That’s the best thing we ever did with Will when he was a newborn. It got him used to people and I think helped make him more social. So many new parents hole up in their houses like a recluse. The only bad part is the backseat parenting nitwits out there condemning you in the middle of Target for having the baby out in public.
But at that point I think you should just grab your wife’s boob and squirt the condescending naysayers in the eye with your wife’s milky stream of justice.
Haha i’m totally gonna use her boobmilk as a weapon now.
My wife broke her elbow just before delivering, so she couldn’t even hold the baby without help. For every feeding, she needed me to “dock” the baby into her feeding station.
And here’s a tip: Don’t try to insert a recently tanked up baby in a front pack (e.g., Baby Bjorn) or the milk will squirt right back out like toothpaste from a tube! =)
Glad to hear the babies are doing well! But, really, bitches. Don’t they have to be a little older to gain that title? LOL. Like the others, I remember those days (even though they are further in the past), but I was the one squirting “boobmilk.” It does make a nasty weapon. However, looking down at your shirt and seeing an ever-widening circle is not a pretty sight.
Sleep? Forget it. You won’t really get a good night’s sleep until they are all out of the house.
Sleep deprivation is torturous and you mind starts to break down, followed by your body function. Here’s hoping you get some descent sleep soon.
First of lol @Daddy Files, and I completely agree. I’m glad you’ve been coughing on your children and taking them out. But I will say, stay a way from the creepy guy strolling in the grocery store who likes to touch kids, he may have something you don’t want them to catch.
Since having a kid of my own I have looked upon parents of twins or more with a certain amount of awe. I have no idea how you do it. Hang in there and hopefully you will get some sleep without having to commit a homicide.
Hang in there. You have a network of parents who can relate and provide support. We can’t help you get any sleep, but we can provide support.