Holy crap i have to tell this story, but it’s not appropriate for little eyes (and my kid is known to look at my blog. primarily because i put funny captions on pictures). So you’ll have to highlight the following text, super-secret-like.
So i strongly dislike this whole tooth fairy business. It’s way too stressful. Impersonating mythical figures like Santa Claus and the Easter bunny are one thing, because you can send the kids to bed. But the tooth fairy? To get the job done, you’ve got to march right into the lion’s den. What if you wake them? What if you’re caught with your hand right in the cookie jar (or under the pillow, in this case)? Lie? ”I was checking to see if the tooth fairy had come yet.” That doesn’t sound feasible. If anything, your kid, streetwise beyond their years due to all the tv they watch, will think you were trying to steal their money. What if they think you’ve been skimming some of their tooth profits all along? What if they accuse you of owing them tens of dollars? What if they go apeshit and start ripping out teeth and throwing them at you? Your kid is traumatized and for what? $2 in exchange for a tooth? And what even are you supposed to give them, anyway? I used to get like a nickel. What’s inflation for a tooth? There’s no Kelly Blue Book for teeth! Do canines and molars yield the same amount? It’s too much!
All this and i haven’t even started the story.
So last tooth, she thought she’d get wise. An idea only a kid could have. She thought that if she left her tooth in a plastic bag, along with some loose change, she would get more back. I guess her thinking was, if the tooth fairy could turn something as worthless as a tooth into a couple of Washingtons, imagine what she could do with actual money to start with! Or maybe she was thinking more long term – like the tooth fairy would put those pennies into a Roth IRA for her. Maybe imaginary fairies yield high interest. Well, in my trek to acquire her tooth that night, i grabbed the bag, shoved it in my pocket, gave her money, and got the fuck out of there. I didn’t even realize i had some change with me in that bag until i got back to our bedroom, where i asked the wife what the hell this was all about. She suggested i just put the change back, but there was no way i was going to risk going back in there. And she got the same amount for this tooth as she did her last tooth. So, in essence, the tooth fairy stole from her.
So we just lost another tooth. And it was late, like 10 at night. Which i do not appreciate. What if i didn’t have any cash on me? It’s not unusual, in this check-card age we live in. Do other parents keep a special tooth fairy stash somewhere? Whatever. Luckily we did.
So i had been sick and took an excessive amount of pseudoephedrine that night. I was wired. I was cleaning our kitchen feverishly, like the chick from Requiem for a Dream. Until 1am, when my wife stumbled out of bed and made me stop. My mind was all jittery to begin with, then i remembered i had to play tooth fairy before i went to bed.
So here i was, wired out of my mind, thoughts racing, and i had to somehow slow down and sneak into Grumplestiltskin’s room. There was crap on the floor everywhere. It was like walking in a landmine, only instead of metal exploding, stepping in the wrong place could’ve made a toy register start beeping, or make a few lines from Hoedown Throwdown play out of the chest of a little plastic Hannah Montana. I could hear the words in my head, only changed, and mocking. Pop it, lock it, wake your kid up, childhood’s ruined, cause you suck! Every floor board in my 100 year old house creaking. I was moving very slowly, in case she had rigged up some sort of motion sensor or heat detector like in those spy movies. You never know, with all the little gadgets kids have now. I perched along the side of the bed and saw the mass of shit she had up by her pillow. Toys, books, junk, for some reason even my dog’s leash. How the hell was i supposed to find her tooth among all this? I reached under, felt around a bit, and retreated. I tried the other side of the bed. She was facing me now. Asleep, but for how long? She was strangling her pillow, as if it were a flotation device, and she were dreaming about a plane crash. I slid my hand under, and jesus, it felt like she was forcing her head down as hard as she could. I cold barely wedge my hand under there. And what did i feel? Jack shit. I went back to our bedroom and started ranting at the wife.
She reassured me that our kid was a heavy sleeper. That i’d be fine. Basically that i should stop being a pussy.
I went back in and went back to the side of the bed with the trash heap. I closed my eyes and just shot my arm in there, kind of like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom when he had to find the release lever in that recess full of bugs. I found it! A little felt angel that granny made. I pulled it hard, but all that came out were a pair of wings. It had ripped under the weight of her big fat head! The tooth fairy has turned from a thief to a vandal. I reached in and grabbed the rest. I quickly exchanged the money for the tooth. And i even stuck in the change i stole last time. Then i got the fuck out of there.
How does everyone else survive this horrible tradition? How am i gonna deal when the twins starting losing teeth? Nyquil them every time it happens? Sleeping gas? Make mommy do it? Ridiculous.
I’ve been trying to think back when my girls were losing their teeth. I CAN’T REMEMBER! That’s ok though, because my husband played the tooth fairy and quite creatively I might add. Gold and silver dollars, Susan B. Anthony dollars, etc. I can’t remember because it was his gig. Thank God! He never woke them up. Whew!
(Great post! I was laughing hard!)
I like your super secret post. I’m with your wife, man up and deal with it the same as parents have been doing for generations. It doesn’t take a Navy Seal to get the job done.
Hilarious. I found you through Daddy Files. And just so you know we’ve taken on my cousin’s idea. She has a husband that travels extensively and uses his coins from abroad as tooth fairy fodder. That way her daughter can go to school and yell that she got YEN instead of dollars but only a few kids know the going exchange rate.
Congrats again on a house full of girls!
I have always been the responsible party for making the switch. Even though my kids once slept through an eardrum piercing fire alarm AND hotel evacuation, I’m sure they’re going to wake up every time!
Dude! I totally feel like a spy on some kinda top-secret mission sprinkled in fairy dust or something. . . Personally, I can’t WAIT to play the tooth fairy. It’s the whole reason I had a kid in the first place
Ummm. . .but wait. . .Does ol’ Grumplestiltskin read th’ comments? You might just be busted!
I just landed on your blog from the Multiples and More site, and boy, I’m glad I did. I needed a good laugh, and your tooth fairy post did just the trick. I almost snorted a jelly bean out of my nose. (Yes, I’m perched precariously in my kitchen while everyone else is asleep…I just got back from the grocery store, where I bought some jelly beans I didn’t need…I’ve eaten about four times the specified serving size, and now I’m gonna throw the remainder of the bag away to keep from eating more, emptying the contents into the trash so I won’t be tempted to dig out the bag…but such is the life of a supermom.)